I haven’t cried uncontrollably for two days. I have felt overwhelming loss, I have gotten choked up, and I have shed several tears – just not the crumpled-on-my-kitchen-floor kind of tears. I don’t mean in any way to suggest that I’m over it. I’m not, not even a little bit.

My girlfriends started planning a weekend away for Labor Day in August, and my initial thought was “maybe by then this will be something that he will want to do with me.” My second thought was not as optimistic. I received an invitation to my cousin’s wedding in October: “maybe I won’t have to go alone”. But even when things were “good” between us, you wouldn’t take me to my own brother’s wedding. (I know that’s not fair, I know you had a prior obligation that weekend. But it didn’t make being there alone any easier. Plus, I’m wallowing.)

I can say, despite you being ever-presently on my mind, I seem to have successfully pushed you out of the spotlight, at least for many hours of the day. In my effort to get back to me, I am focusing more on my health. You always encouraged this, knowing it was important to me, and you were right – it is important to me, but it wasn’t as important to me as you were. But now that I’m not spending hours each day texting/chatting/on the phone with you – or even physically with you – I am out of excuses. I literally have nothing else to do in my free time. So I’m working out, cooking, planning. I had been wanting to do another Whole30, and this felt like the perfect opportunity; it seems fitting to be depriving myself of things that I love and am addicted to, even though I know they are not good for me (such as sugar and alcohol) while I am already willing and consciously depriving myself of a person that fits those same descriptions. (Yeah, ok, that’s dramatic, but the similarity is there.)

I don’t expect that I’ll feel this…cavalier…for the next few weeks, but I’m grateful to have had a reprieve. Even if only for two days.