This decision to have zero contact with you will either be the best thing that we’ve ever survived, or the decision I’ll look back on with earnest sorrow 40 years from now. It’s been less than eight hours, but I miss you more than I’ve missed you all month – and despite my behavior or what you may think, I’ve been missing you intensely. Every day.

I wish I saw another way. More than that – I wish I could skip this part altogether. I thought I was past the days of crying silently at my desk, brushing away my tears hoping that my co-workers have the couth to ignore it instead of drawing attention to it. But honestly…that thing my therapist said to me years ago has been in the back of my mind ever since. And now more than ever it’s screaming at the top of its lungs for me to fucking listen up already and do what I need to do: “You two need to start over.”

That, unfortunately, I don’t know how to do. I don’t know how to fall out of love with you. I don’t know how to not think of you, or not worry about you, or not daydream about a life that we’re not yet living…I don’t know how to not do those things 24/7/365. I’ve been doing them for so long that I’ve forgotten how not to – which is ironic, because not doing something is literally the default option. But even worse than that has been the constant companion of self-doubt, insecurity, jealousy, and passive-aggressive thoughts and behaviors that has been riding on my back. And for this reason, my love, am I finally willing to give Sarah’s comment a serious shot: all of that internal shit has turned me into the ugliest version of myself I could have ever imagined. And I can’t be this person anymore. I won’t be. So I will attempt to start over, but with myself.

Bear with me, as my month of silence may well turn into the six that you offered me. I’ll do my best to stay strong, to make progress, and to tell you everything that’s going on with me…even if only in a written form that you may never read. Regardless – know that I love you. I’m thinking about you. I’m missing you.

…And I’m praying for us.