I’ve been up since 3am, and despite the betrayal and anger and devastation of the past two days, all I want is to reach out to you…but I absolutely cannot do that. I can’t stop thinking about the coffee “non-date” you’ll have tomorrow. I know that you’ll charm her like you do. She’ll walk away feeling that she’s special and pretty and funny. That’s how you always makes us all feel. Except when you don’t.

The hardest part will be when I walk away…and you let me go. I know you will. You’ll let me walk right out of your life and you’ll say that you’re respecting my wishes by letting me leave. By never again dialing my number. By never again sending a text. By never seeing me again. I’ll walk away and struggle to get through the days, struggle to get through the nights, and you won’t know any of that. You won’t see me on social media. Won’t hear my name from your friends’ lips. And you sure as hell won’t try to find me. Won’t ask me to come back. Won’t ever recognize how deeply this hurt. But you’ll call it abandonment and build the wall around your heart a little higher.

You told me you won’t allow yourself to be in a situation again where something suddenly can jolt your life. There is nothing I could do that would make you feel the way I’m feeling now. And the reality that four years of emotional and physical intimacy amounts to so little is what I might never overcome. Because you are my life.

…this isn’t Heartbroken, it’s just plain Broken.