I knew right away that we were a good fit for each other. I don’t know if it was your warm kindness, or the way you so easily teased me, or the fact that you made me laugh so hard I almost choked….but I knew. Right away. And that first night you came over? At like 2am? You stayed for hours, cuddled up with one of my pillows (which now lives on your bed and not mine), talking and laughing and teasing and confiding. That night was amazing, incredible. And when you left, just before dawn, I watched you walk to your car from my bedroom window and I said aloud “You’re gonna make me fall in love with you, aren’t you?”

And you did.

…and so did I.

The last time we broached this topic, you were clear, (though not exactly verbal), that this is an issue. You asked me if everything that you had said bothered me…and I answered honestly that it did not. In my head I resolved not to push you, not to pressure you like I did a year ago…but to just wait and see what happens, to see what you want, what you do, and to take my cues from your actions.

Now, four weeks later, I have more to say on the subject but I’m not going to bring it up. I’m not going to push you, not going to force you to talk about it. But if we were to discuss it, if it were to come up organically I mean, I would say that

I am not your last two ex-girlfriends. I am not interested in taking anything from you that you’re not ready/willing to give me. I’ve no desire to coerce you into sticking around, into making major decisions based on big fat hypotheticals, or playing games with your head just because I know I can. I appreciate what we have so much, and because I want you in my life for a very long time, I will not fuck this up.

I am not sleeping with anyone else. A year ago this wasn’t true, for either of us, but so much has changed in 12 months. Today, I would rather not be having sex with you, than having sex with someone that’s not you.  I don’t say that to martyr myself, to show you that I’m sacrificing…because I’m not sacrificing anything; this is how I feel, it’s what I want, and until I tell you that’s changed, you will know that you’re the only one.

I am not ready for a pregnancy – and you and I, together, are definitely not ready. Avoiding one is not solely your responsibility. You might not see the things I do or the precautions I take, but you should know that I realize that this is not all on you. If we ever reach that point of readiness, then that decision along with all subsequent decisions, will be made together. There will be no trap. There will be no manipulation. There will just be us, and all of the openness and honestly that we’ve cultivated together since the very beginning.

I am not going anywhere.